12-Hour Sex Rule

Many couples struggle with desire discrepancy—when one partner's desire is higher or lower than his or her partner's. To understand this better, Emily Nagoski in “Come as You Are,” talks about a system of “brakes” and “accelerators.”

We are all equipped with “brakes” (things that cause the desire for sex to slow down) and “accelerators” (things that cause the desire for sex to speed up). Stereotypically, men tend to be more sensitive to accelerators. This includes things such as visual stimuli, like seeing your partner’s butt as you walk by her in the kitchen. Or, your partner touching you on the shoulder or back, whether or not your partner intended it to be a sexual touch or not. Women, on the other hand, have the tendency to be more sensitive to the brakes. This includes things such as the socks that were left in the middle of the living room. Or the event happening at the kid’s school the next day. Or the stressful situation that happened at work that day. So, as men, the goal should be reducing as many brakes that are possible by filling her “bucket of needs.”

The concept of the “12-hour sex rule” is simple. If you are wanting to have sex at 10pm, you must begin the process at 10am. There should be some thought or intention on beginning the process of “sex” at least 12 hours before the sexual encounter. This does not necessarily mean that you are doing anything sexual in those 12 hours leading up to having sex that evening. What it does mean is you are starting the process of “filling up their bucket” or building the tension WAY before you are actually having sex.

So, practically, what does that look like? Here are some ideas:

• Texting your partner earlier in the day and complimenting something specific about their appearance that day.

• Complimenting them for being an awesome partner and packing your lunch.

• Clearing out the back room for them that morning, the same back room they has been asking you to clear out for months now.

• Giving them a back rub or rubbing their feet sometime that day, without assuming that it is going to lead to sex.

• Buying them some flowers or a small gift that they have been talking about getting for themselves.

**A quick side note to all these suggestions, smacking your partner on the butt may or may not count, depending on your partner. Some partners enjoy that, while others may not enjoy it and will automatically associate it with you wanting to have sex. The point of the 12-hour sex rule is to figure out your partner’s needs and start filling up her bucket with things she appreciates. This, in turn, would help free up space in their brain to want to have sex with you.

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Wet Dreamz Podcast

Episode 14

“Infidelity’s Aftermath: Restoring Trust and Addressing Emotional Turmoil”

**Key Episode Insights:**

🎙 **Therapy and Support:** Discover how the injured partner's search for validation can impact the offending partner and the delicate balance of seeking support.

🔍 **Rebuilding Trust:** Learn about the scrutiny—like monitoring apps—that arises and how to rebuild trust with empathy and understanding.

🤝 **Togetherness:** Jose highlights the importance of taking responsibility as a team to rebuild the relationship post-infidelity.

🧠 **Motivations Behind Cheating:** Brad and Jose unpack the search for validation, opportunity, and complex human behavior with relatable analogies.

📲 **Coping Mechanisms:** Explore the thin line between healthy and unhealthy behaviors like porn use and their relation to infidelity.

In our WetDreamz podcast our experienced sex therapists discuss all the taboo topics surrounding men's sexuality and give men the tools to improve themselves and their sexual health. Click the picture below to view our podcast!

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